A Blog about a Blog

This morning I stumbled upon this. The post is called "On Daughters and Dating: How to Intimidate Suitors" and provides perspective on how to best protect girls from the wrong kind of suitors by building walls of intimidation. It was a fascinating read.

"Instead of intimidating all your daughter’s potential suitors, raise a daughter who intimidates them just fine on her own."

Yup. That was me. It still is me.

Here's the thing: I'm not sure that I became this way through the parenting techniques described in the article. I think that I became this way out of fear. There is a delicate balance in having healthy boundaries, and isolating yourself from others. Unfortunately, I have used a facade of strength and confidence to intentionally intimidate others (especially my brothers in Christ) and keep them at a distance. If they don't get close to me, then they can't hurt me, but they also can't teach me.

It makes me uncomfortable how the article speaks of my brothers. Sure, there are some dudes out there that I wouldn't want within a mile of my daughter, but there are just as many ladies that I would feel the same way about. Why does someone's gender necessitate cautionary defensive measures?

I have NO IDEA what balance looks like. I would love if my daughter had the experience that I had when seeking a spouse (if she wants a spouse). Colin was my first date, my first kiss, my first everything. No one else on Earth knows me like he does. Still, it was a painful journey to him and although I never loved another real man in the way that I love Colin, I had crafted over years the image of the "perfect" man and I loved it. To this day, it is a huge temptation to project this onto my Husband. That image is essentially Jesus (or my perception of what Jesus would be like) and no human can ever hope to reach it.

Moreover, I really struggle to have positive relationships with men who are not my husband. Group environments are totally fine, but even a purely academic conversation with one of my favorite male professors can make me very uncomfortable. No matter how safe an appropriate the environment, I am still consciously putting up walls of "protection." It makes me sad that I see all men as potentially dangerous. It brings to mind the #yesallwomen campaign on twitter.

So little Margo... my unborn daughter and great love... I want you to have the "Strength and dignity. Deep faith. Self-assuredness. Wisdom. Kindness. Humility. Industriousness." that the article talks about, but I also want you have a gate to your walls. I want you to be strong enough to listen and learn from both your sisters and your brothers and to realize that true strength does not come from isolation. That doesn't mean that you should date all the people. It just means that they are more than potential love interests. Listen and discern with an open mind before putting up walls. Sometimes real strength is being open.

-Rachel

I think therefore...

I'm writing again. It's been a healthy catharsis, but I'm struggling to find my voice. I know who I used to be, but I don't know who I am right now. Major things that I hide behind have been stripped away, and I'm trying to sort out what is left. I have this image in my head of an overly confident, in control, perfectionistic, productive, and recklessly vocal young girl. I would observe a situation and wreck havoc upon anything I deemed incorrect. In order to have my way, I became an agent of destruction.

I don't want to be that girl. I want to plant gardens and speak hope. I want to participate in healthy, positive, change. Still, there is something about the image that I'm proud of. Where is my passion? Gradually, I feel more helpless and embarrassed when I speak. This can't be humility. I feel like it's just another form of narcissism.

So where is my place? Where is there balance and rhythm?

As I look upon Christ's crucible, I know that I wont find it until this world is made new.

What a buzzkill.

-Rachel

Margo Evelyn's Nursery

Colin and I love simple clean lines, and babies respond best to high contrast so we wanted Margo's nursery to be modern and soft with gender neutral color pops. Adventure and exploration are the main themes with woodland creature accents and an outdoorsy vibe. 

I found the crib blanket fabric on Spoonflower.com and fell in love. I decided to back it with a solid red-orange and rustic cable-thread edging detail... well, I didn't really DECIDE to give it rustic-cable thread detailing, but that's what I'm calling it since I really just learned to sew so that I could make things for the nursery (shout out to Nana B for teaching me). The whole room was inspired by the fabric. It feels modern AND woodsy. 

I designed the art above the crib and changing table printed it with our new canon pro-printer. It's the bee's knees and I've been thinking about selling some of the designs online. The mobiles were a pain in the booty since I had to hand sew all the little critters for the one near the crib and then hand watercolor all the cards for the one near the changing table. Friends contributed the "Margo Evelyn" painting and vintage "M." Finally, that giant acrylic over the dresser is in the style of a previous series of paintings I did called "Elementary" that have a tribal feel with and geometry.

I think it's all about the details. From Colin's childhood copy of "Where the Wild Things Are" to my worn out teddy bear, this room has been intentionally put together with care for our daughter. 

The coolest part is that we did it together. Sure, I might have done most of the detail work, but not a single thing went into that room without Colin's input and physical carrying. Seriously. He spent HOURS putting together that dresser. Actually, the only piece of furniture that did not require assembly is my Grandma's chair (not the rocker... that had to be put together too!). He hung the art work. He painted the walls. He hung the hardware and fabric for the curtains and organized the furniture. 

I cannot wait to spend time in this room with our little girl.

Feminist Mama

Pregnancy, Breastfeeding, & the Holy Eucharist, by Valerie Geer

You lived on my blood

What I ate, you ate

These breasts fed you…all of you

I have nourished a clan with my own flesh and blood

So when you tell me that it is difficult to understand a first-century male Jewish rabbi

I sigh…patronized

We women know what it means to have someone eat our flesh and drink our blood, for you to be part of us, for your very life to depend on us

I'm bringing another girl into this world by the end of this month, and you know what? It's really hard to be a girl. Frankly, it's really hard to be a human.

I never used to identify as a feminist. I thought that the word was a label for a woman who believed that she was better than men... maybe even hated them. The word made me uncomfortable. It seemed to demand things.

I have been told repeatedly that women and men are created differently... Men to lead, and women to help. I have been told that women are weaker than men. I have been told that wives should submit to their husbands, and a true Christian woman walks with a "quiet grace."

Here's the thing: I'm wild. I'm bold, and I lead.

Because I'm a woman, this isn't ok? Should I suppress the gifts that God has given me because some people interpret a few verses differently and out of context? I mean... should I REALLY be silent in church and wear a head covering?

I make some people uncomfortable. I am confident, and don't hesitate to speak when I have something to say. Even as I write this, I wonder if people will read it and think that I am irrational or coming on "too strong," but out of a man's mouth, these same words wouldn't be questioned. Still, that wondering has never stopped me.

The other day, someone posted an article on a social media website entitled "8 Essential Rules for Banging a Single Mom." Naturally, my eyes narrowed, and brow furrowed as soon as I read the title. I knew what I was getting into, but curiosity got the best of me, and I clicked the link. I have NEVER read something so hurtful, depraved, and oppressive. It talked about treating women like "bowling balls" (using all orifices) in order to shame her into realizing her place. The author wrote that single mom's are looking for a man to provide for them, so if you want to continue to have sex with her, you should be careful to never ever buy her anything. That way, she will continue to do more and more degrading things in bed with the hope of getting money from you. There were 6 more "tips" that I don't feel like talking about.

This is the world that my baby girl will live in.

It's true that not all men believe these things. I am a part of a wonderful community that would never condone such misogynistic language, and my husband is the person who first explained to me what Egalitarian marriage (mutual submission) looks like. Still, all women are confronted and shaped by these hateful beliefs.

Slavery was also justified using the Bible. Scripture is a double edged sword, that can be used to hurt people as much as it can be used to heal. When we forget to seek the author's original intent and historical context, human interpretations fail. Most people don't realize that American black men won the right to vote with the 15th Amendment in 1870, but American women (of any color) did not win theirs until the 19th Amendment, in 1920... a half-century later. Women have been systematically oppressed for a very very long time, but for some reason, vocalizing it is taboo... a glaring sign that the oppression continues.

I don't want to rule over men. I love my brothers. I just want to see as many women leaders as male leaders. I want to be asked my opinion. I want to be asked to teach. When there is vision being cast, I want to see women present. I want my words to be as effective at making change as a man's. I want to wear whatever I want to wear without hearing cat calls or being called a slut.

I want my daughter to be valued as a person... without limitation. Because you know what? She is.

-Rachel