A Blog about a Blog

This morning I stumbled upon this. The post is called "On Daughters and Dating: How to Intimidate Suitors" and provides perspective on how to best protect girls from the wrong kind of suitors by building walls of intimidation. It was a fascinating read.

"Instead of intimidating all your daughter’s potential suitors, raise a daughter who intimidates them just fine on her own."

Yup. That was me. It still is me.

Here's the thing: I'm not sure that I became this way through the parenting techniques described in the article. I think that I became this way out of fear. There is a delicate balance in having healthy boundaries, and isolating yourself from others. Unfortunately, I have used a facade of strength and confidence to intentionally intimidate others (especially my brothers in Christ) and keep them at a distance. If they don't get close to me, then they can't hurt me, but they also can't teach me.

It makes me uncomfortable how the article speaks of my brothers. Sure, there are some dudes out there that I wouldn't want within a mile of my daughter, but there are just as many ladies that I would feel the same way about. Why does someone's gender necessitate cautionary defensive measures?

I have NO IDEA what balance looks like. I would love if my daughter had the experience that I had when seeking a spouse (if she wants a spouse). Colin was my first date, my first kiss, my first everything. No one else on Earth knows me like he does. Still, it was a painful journey to him and although I never loved another real man in the way that I love Colin, I had crafted over years the image of the "perfect" man and I loved it. To this day, it is a huge temptation to project this onto my Husband. That image is essentially Jesus (or my perception of what Jesus would be like) and no human can ever hope to reach it.

Moreover, I really struggle to have positive relationships with men who are not my husband. Group environments are totally fine, but even a purely academic conversation with one of my favorite male professors can make me very uncomfortable. No matter how safe an appropriate the environment, I am still consciously putting up walls of "protection." It makes me sad that I see all men as potentially dangerous. It brings to mind the #yesallwomen campaign on twitter.

So little Margo... my unborn daughter and great love... I want you to have the "Strength and dignity. Deep faith. Self-assuredness. Wisdom. Kindness. Humility. Industriousness." that the article talks about, but I also want you have a gate to your walls. I want you to be strong enough to listen and learn from both your sisters and your brothers and to realize that true strength does not come from isolation. That doesn't mean that you should date all the people. It just means that they are more than potential love interests. Listen and discern with an open mind before putting up walls. Sometimes real strength is being open.

-Rachel