I'm writing again. It's been a healthy catharsis, but I'm struggling to find my voice. I know who I used to be, but I don't know who I am right now. Major things that I hide behind have been stripped away, and I'm trying to sort out what is left. I have this image in my head of an overly confident, in control, perfectionistic, productive, and recklessly vocal young girl. I would observe a situation and wreck havoc upon anything I deemed incorrect. In order to have my way, I became an agent of destruction.
I don't want to be that girl. I want to plant gardens and speak hope. I want to participate in healthy, positive, change. Still, there is something about the image that I'm proud of. Where is my passion? Gradually, I feel more helpless and embarrassed when I speak. This can't be humility. I feel like it's just another form of narcissism.
So where is my place? Where is there balance and rhythm?
As I look upon Christ's crucible, I know that I wont find it until this world is made new.
What a buzzkill.
-Rachel
No comments:
Post a Comment