The joy of dying

As Colin mentioned in his last post, one of the main ways God has been speaking to us overseas has been through repetition. I don’t have super emotional feelings or “deep revelations,” but in the past week or so, I could not count how many times I have heard “rejoice in the lord always.” Seriously, it’s been like 10 times.

Paired with that has been a realization that as much as I don’t want to, I judge others for having more than I do while at the same time coveting their possessions and harboring jealousy. This has been very painful. I do not want to do these things. I want to stop wanting. I am afraid of what might become of me when I am once again surrounded by consumer culture. Will I become a Pharisee or a Fashionista?

These two thoughts war within me. How can I rejoice while I know how superficial I am? How can I not rejoice when God in his mercy is changing me?

I know that I cannot change on my own. I’m obsessed with fashion and beauty… but I’m also obsessed with rebelling against the accumulation of possessions. Neither is good. Why is it that I cannot buy a shirt without feeling guilty? Why is it that all I can think about is buying that stupid shirt?

In this time of character change, God has reminded me that I am not called to weep over my flesh. I am called to rejoice in its death. And most assuredly… it is dying, slowly and surely.