Dad

Jokingly my friends and I call each other "dad," and have for longer than any of us have even had children. It may have something to do with the fact that we've all been aging, and all of the sudden we seem a lot more like our fathers. The shorts got shorter, the work hours longer, and then of course came the cooking skills.

All that to say- I'm now a dad in the literal sense, and it's still a little weird to say that. All of a sudden, this switch is flipped and everything is different. I think thats the hardest part of being a parent in the beginning.

Of course I knew the standard phrase new parents hear every day, "Your life will never be the same!"
I always thought that meant in 16 years I'm going to have to start chasing boys away, or that the only TV shows I'll be watching soon will be kids shows.

Boy was that shortsighted. EVERYTHING is now put into the context of how-do-you-do-that-with-a-child. Especially when they are super young and need to be asleep in peace and quiet.

This is something I'm still getting used to.

At different points in my life, I have entered into intentional situations in order to get closer to Christ. What I learned at the beginning of each of those situations was that I had to die to the parts of myself that were not Christ like.

Moving into my church's community house taught me to hold my possessions more loosely, and getting married taught me to put another's needs before my own, but being a dad has challenged me to surrender every moment to another's needs. It has reoriented my vision as to what my "needs" actually are.

You can't compromise with a baby and say, "Hey I'd really like to go out tonight. Why don't you do one of those 8 hour sleep stints so your mom can rest,and I'll go hang out with my friends."

A baby needs you the moment they need you, and it's unpredictable and out of your control.
I'm learning to die to my desires of wanting to do what I want to do when I want to do it.

Including determining when I get to poop.

Now to to clarify: this has been what God has taught me through the process of becoming a dad. I think God desires this for all people, not just the married, not just the parents, but everyone.

I do think however, that in order to enter into actually pursuing dying to our desires and insatiable need for control, that we will have to put ourselves into a community context where we pursue this together.

This is to say, a call to singleness or not having children will still allow someone to have a full and beautiful life, but no one is called to isolation and unintentionally.

Now having written all that, the best part is that dying to yourself is a whole lot more rewarding in the long run than it feels like in the moment.

Just last night, I didn't go out, I didn't do the normal things that would have made me feel loved, or entertained, or productive in the past. I just sat there and watched my daughter breathe for two hours while she slept with tears in my eyes.  It was so beautiful just watching her.

I was just thinking about what a gift it was that I had parents who held me and protected me as a child. I was thinking about how every little breath is a gift from God.

I still want to hang out with friends, and I love playing board games, and it's important for me to do things that bring me life. However, I never thought staring at a child sleeping would be added to this list.