As Colin mentioned in his last post, one of the
main ways God has been speaking to us overseas has been through
repetition. I don’t have super emotional feelings or “deep revelations,” but in
the past week or so, I could not count how many times I have heard “rejoice in
the lord always.” Seriously, it’s been like 10 times.
Paired with
that has been a realization that as much as I don’t want to, I judge others for
having more than I do while at the same time coveting their possessions and
harboring jealousy. This has been very painful. I do not want to do these
things. I want to stop wanting. I am afraid of what might become of me when I
am once again surrounded by consumer culture. Will I become a Pharisee or a Fashionista?
These two
thoughts war within me. How can I rejoice while I know how superficial I am?
How can I not rejoice when God in his mercy is changing me?
I know that
I cannot change on my own. I’m obsessed with fashion and beauty… but I’m also
obsessed with rebelling against the accumulation of possessions. Neither is
good. Why is it that I cannot buy a shirt without feeling guilty? Why is it
that all I can think about is buying that stupid shirt?
In this time
of character change, God has reminded me that I am not called to weep over my
flesh. I am called to rejoice in its death. And most assuredly… it is dying,
slowly and surely.
